


Drunken Wishes (PewDieCry)

by A_Fellow_Sinner



Category: PewDiePie (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Buildup, Depression, Drunk Pewds, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex, Loneliness, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Instability, Mildly Dubious Consent, Physical Abuse, Unrequited Love, Violence, Vomiting, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-10-31 15:03:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10901790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Fellow_Sinner/pseuds/A_Fellow_Sinner
Summary: Ever since the collapse of his YouTube channel, Pewds has been a drunken mess. He even breaks up with Marzia in the midst of his devastation. Concerned, Cry flies all the way to England to take care of the poor guy.Cry has been in love with PewDiePie for a long time now, so he stays even when Pewds begins to get abusive. How could he ever leave his dearest friend?(Toxic relationship warning!!)





	1. [Feel Good]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And all I ever want is just a little love  
> I said in purrs under the palms"  
> "And all I ever want is breaking me apart  
> I said to the thing that I once was"  
> Glass Animals - Toes

The fall of his channel had been inevitable. Felix Kjellberg knew that. However, that didn't mean that he wasn't shocked, scared, or miserable. A whole blur of emotions ran through him, causing his shoulders to shake as he stared at the screen.

  
He didn't even realize that he had begun to cry. Silent tears ran down his cheeks, that subtle pain blocked by the one throbbing in his chest. His heart was broken. His first true love, YouTube, had given up on him completely.

  
His subscriber count didn't matter now.

  
His popularity hadn't mattered. If anything, it had made the situation worse.

  
He didn't matter. Not to YouTube, that cold-hearted mistress. It had seduced his heart, caused him to pour all of his effort and passion into doing what he loved. Just a hobby at first, but not for long.

  
Now YouTube was nothing. HE, was nothing.

  
'The account "PewDiePie" has been banned.' YouTube.

  
_How could you do this to me?_

  
"I... I've addressed it so many times," he whispered to his computer screen, his voice broken, finally acknowledging the tears when they reached his mouth and allowed him to taste their salty flavor. "SO many times..."

  
It was, of course, because of the stupid Fiverr video. He never should have uploaded it, knowing that the whole thing was controversial from the start, but he had underestimated people. He had underestimated his popularity.

  
If he wasn't so popular, he could have still been on YouTube. He could still have had a passion, a drive. It felt like all of that had drained from his system the moment he had hopped online and found that he couldn't log into his account.

  
Major companies had been pulling their ads away from YouTube, claiming to not want their brands tarnished by Nazism. YouTubers had been complaining to YouTube for months now. Naturally, YouTube only recognized the problem when they themselves started losing big money because of it.

  
The solution? Kick PewDiePie away. That would bring back those huge companies. That would bring back the money.

  
Disregard one life to save money. What a good motto YouTube had.

  
Felix could only feel bitter now, the other feelings pushed aside for bile to rise in his throat. He balled up his hands into fists, not knowing what to do. Bitterness transformed into anger quite easily. He eyed his computer, wanting to destroy it, but shoved himself away from his desk and tore down the set-up around him instead.

  
The backdrop was broken apart, smashed over his knee and onto the wall it used to cover. It was easy to do it, to rip at it until only the blank walls surrounded the man.  
He screamed as he did it, as loudly as possible. Felix just wanted every drop of anger to be unleashed. His microphone fell on accident, being pushed off of the desk by a reckless piece of the backdrop. Not like he cared. There was no use for it anymore.

  
With a grunt, Felix hefted up his desk chair. He slammed it against the wall, causing quite a noise. The anger ripped through him, though in time it ended up dissolving into sadness.

  
His friends found him curled up on the floor, sobbing.

  
He felt as if he had lost everything.  
\----  
  
After that, life honestly didn't seem to matter. Felix was nowhere near the point of suicide, at least, wanting to keep his life even if the most important thing had been ripped away from him. He felt that even if it seemed like the end of the world now, things would get better. Things had to get better. They certainly couldn't get any worse.

  
Yet they did end up getting worse.

  
As his friends attempted to console Felix, he couldn't listen. He left them, thanking them for their help, and went back to his house. The man pulled out his laptop, getting into a comfortable position. He had driven back safely by telling himself that everything would be okay, even if it wasn't okay right now. His entire life wasn't crumbling around him. It was just a minor part, it would be okay. It would be okay.

  
It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay.

  
At least his mind could easily be deceived, lulled into thinking that it would, in fact, be okay. Even when nothing could be farther from the truth.

  
"Cry," he had rapidly murmured when he ended up at his house. He needed an old friend right now, a good friend. His best friend. "Cry, Cry, I need you..."

  
When he settled down on his couch, he quickly shot his friend a Skype message. Cry was on 'DO NOT DISTURB', which was the usual when he was recording videos. Felix waited, tapping the blank space below the keyboard. He could feel tears welling up, soon slipping down his cheeks once more. He needed somebody, but his mind and heart were set on Cry. Cry could console him. He knew how to do it, how to make him feel better.

  
It took about 10 agonizing minutes, but Cry video called Felix after seeing his message. The Swedish man had typed a rather desperate plea as it was, and quickly accepted the call.

  
"Pewds? You said you needed me. What's wrong?" Cry was on the screen, making Felix let go of a breath he didn't know he had been holding in. He only ever saw Cry's face over Skype or in person, never in any other circumstance.

  
Felix began to blabber about it. So much so that he broke down again. He told him all about his banned YouTube account, even recapping the Fiverr story though Cry knew all too well about it. He was sobbing after that, to the point where he needed to stop talking.

  
An expression of utter pain was all over Cry's face. He felt horrible, knowing he was unable to reach out and touch Felix to soothe him. His hand reached out off-camera, uselessly falling because he couldn't touch the distraught Swede. He couldn't do anything but listen. Cry patiently waited for Felix to calm down, not wanting to rush him. After all, he himself couldn't imagine a happy life without his channel.

  
"Th-They didn't even give me a chance, Cry! They just pushed me aside! They sent an e-mail only yesterday and I responded as fast as I could. But they didn't care, they didn't care wh-what I had to sa-ay." Felix did his best to get through his tears, wiping them away.

  
"That's just terrible, Pewds. I wish I could help you," Cry sorrowfully spoke.

  
"You ARE. You are helping. Thank you for being around. I'm just... not in the best place right now." Felix ran his fingers through his hair, cracking a broken grin that was more fake than anything else. "I just needed someone to talk to. Someone I thought could understand." He looked up at the man on screen, his blue eyes shining with tears. "You're my best friend, Cry."

  
"Felix..." Cry sounded touched, seeming quite glad to help in any way possible. A dull ache started in his heart when he was called a 'best friend', though he had become used to that by now. It wasn't a fresh reaction. Felix had been with Marzia for so long now. While Cry was indeed jealous of Marzia, he still loved her in a platonic way. Yet he didn't love Pewds in that same way. He really loved him, with all his heart. Even now, his heart hurt so much more for Pewds' situation than it did for his desire to be with him. "I love being here with you. I know you're upset, but things will get so much better in time. You're a very talented man. You can work with your crew and make videos with them, there's always room for collaboration."

  
Pewds tried for another smile, a more genuine one this time. "Thank you. I'll... I'll consider it. I think I'm gonna take it easy for now, to get over this whole thing before pursuing something new."

  
Cry grinned at Felix, nodding his head eagerly. "There you go. That's the Pewds I know." _The Pewds I love._

  
Felix was trying for another smile, beaming brightly at Cry. They talked for a while longer, Pewds asking about Cry and how he was doing before he said, "I have to take care of some stuff now. Bye, Cry. Thank you."

  
He hung up after Cry said goodbye and closed his laptop. The moment that happened, the smile was wiped clean off Felix's face. He went back out of the house, unable to be cooped up in it. Maybe he could get a drink at a bar or something.


	2. [Drunk on Misery, Drunk on Love]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Somebody said I'm a fuckin' slum  
> Don't know where I belong  
> Maybe you're fucking dumb  
> Maybe I'm just a bum"  
> "Maybe you're fucking scum  
> Don't you go psycho, chum  
> I want you for the world  
> I want you all the time"  
> Glass Animals - Pork Soda

Felix stumbled back home that night. He had been kicked out at 11 PM on the dot, after having way too many drinks. He had sworn at the bartender in Swedish before being shooed away, barely able to stand up on his own two feet.

  
When he reached home, Marzia was waiting for him.

  
"Felix!" Her voice was annoyingly high-pitched to his ears, filled with panic and worry. "I-I had no idea when you were coming home!" She got up from the couch and ran to him, desperately clinging to his shirt and burying her face in it. That only lasted a moment, the young woman pulling back when she became repulsed by the strong scent of alcohol. "Were you drinking...?"

  
The Swedish man looked down at his girlfriend, swaying on his feet. He grabbed at her shoulders to steady himself, mumbling something unintelligible.

  
Marzia shook her head at him, scolding, "Why did you drink so much? You know you have an appointment tomorrow, you'll get a hangover!"

  
"Ah said," Felix slurred, "Stop talking'."

  
"Wh-What?" His girlfriend was taken aback.

  
"Stop talkin'. Yer annoyin' me," Felix grumbled, gripping her shoulders tighter. He ended up shoving her away, taking unsteady steps to the staircase. "Goin' to bed. 'M tired."

  
"Wait!" Marzia was back in front of him, trying to support him so that he didn't fall. "Is this about what happened with YouTube? Because if it is, you should talk to me."

  
Felix's gaze turned cold, his drunken gaze shifting from relaxed to fiery. "Stop naggin' me. Don't wanna talk 'bout it."

  
"Okay. We can talk about it tomorrow," Marzia softly decided, rubbing his arm to try and soothe him.

  
But it wasn't comforting. It was annoying. Everything about her was annoying. He couldn't stand her, her voice, her worried expression, her touch. It drove him crazy in ways he couldn't even comprehend, the alcohol running through his veins like fire. "Stop," he mumbled. It sounded more like a warning than anything.

  
Marzia had never in her life seen Felix this drunk. She had no idea how to handle it, so the warning didn't reach her ears properly enough. She was consumed by worry, lingering at his side, unable to leave him alone like he wanted her to. "Okay, Felix. You're right, you should go up to bed. I'll help you get up the stairs." She paused for a moment, sounding bothered as she insisted, "But we need to talk about what happened soon. Things are going to have to change now." She grabbed his arm, trying to pull him towards the stairs.

  
That was what made him snap. It was so simple to break, to be bothered by it all. Those words, her touch, her everything. It all infuriated him. Everything infuriated him. He was angry about being in this house, this situation. He had nearly drunk himself blind, taking at least a half an hour to get home because of how wasted he was, and the memory of his failure still had not left his head. Almost like it was carved into his brain, a stamp of his downfall.

  
He slapped her, the noise seeming to echo all throughout the empty house. He roared at her, telling her, "Leave me alone! Shut the fuck up! I don't wanna talk to you!" It was the most sober that he had sounded that night, though he was still completely trashed. Felix proceeded to back away, stumbling to the staircase by himself and leaving her there.  
His hands reached out, grasping the railing before he doubled over it and vomited onto the floor. He looked like shit and now felt like shit too. His stomach churned, giving him only a moment to collect himself before more vomit spewed out of his mouth.

  
Marzia was holding her stung cheek, watching Felix with wide, shocked eyes. He had never hit her before. She ran past him and up the stairs, eyes welling with tears.  
Felix didn't notice, didn't care. The smell of vomit was getting to him so he wiped his mouth, the horrible taste lingering on his tongue though he didn't care about that either. He slept on the couch that night, curled up without a pillow or a blanket.

  
He woke up colder than ice.  
\----  
  
Halfway around the world in Florida, Cry was lying in bed. He had just woken up, warm underneath his sheets. It was a pretty day outside, the blinds open to let the soft light stream in. Birds were chirping, enjoying the nice Spring weather.

  
Cry's eyes were closed, his cheeks a light shade of pink, his hair messy. His hand rested comfortably beneath his boxers as he listened to the noises of nature, head tilted towards the window. Breathing steady, his chest rising and falling, his hand beginning to move.

  
He thought about little fantasies at first, those with women with unidentifiable faces and features that were only sparked by his imagination. It didn't exactly work, not for him, but he occasionally attempted it. After all, no one knew that he completely swung towards... Men, their faces blurred, their bodies hot and sweaty and glorious. That was really when his body tensed, his hand rubbing harder.

  
Their faces were always blurred in his head, always.

  
Except when he thought of Felix.

  
Oh, Felix. Felix...

  
That name, when mouthed by his lips, brought such pleasure to his entire being. He couldn't stop his mind from thinking of the Swedish man, from wondering what he looked like naked, what he would look like right now if he were on top of Cry. Eyes lined with lust, Cry eagerly supposed as his breathing heightened, as electricity ran through him.

  
The climax was insane, his brain melting as he cried out for Felix. Cry was surprised that he hadn't died when he stopped, his heart thundering within his chest. "Felix," he whispered, eyes drooping at the intensity he had experienced.

  
He did his best not to think of Felix, especially since Felix was already taken. It had been so long since he had thought of the man like this, his body barely able to calm down.  
Cry turned over to be on his side, not minding the sticky sheets. They needed a wash anyway.

  
"I love you," he whispered, in the most broken way. He let tears slide down his cheeks, needing to feel the guilt at the same time as the desperate ache in his heart.  
\----  
  
It was morning when Felix woke up. 9 AM on the dot, Marzia standing over him with her hands on her hips. She was the one that had woken him up, reaching down to shake him once more.

  
He lightly batted her hands away by waving at them, not noticing how violently she flinched as he turned over from his stomach to his back. He crooked his elbow and placed his lower arm over his eyes, mumbling, "Five more minutes."

  
"Felix. No, wake up. You need to get up." Marzia stepped over the puddle of vomit on the floor to grab his wrist and drag his arm off his eyes. She attempted to tug him up, seeming quite displeased with how he was acting.

  
"Okay, okay. Jeez," Felix grumbled, allowing her to tug him to a sitting position. He immediately groaned as a sickening dizziness went to his head, yanking his wrist away from his girlfriend to rub his temples. "Oh wow, I really don't feel well..."

  
"I'm not surprised." The words sounded bitter on Marzia's tongue, causing Felix to look up at her in surprise.

  
With another groan he hung his head, cringing when the smell of vomit hit his nostrils. Vomit lined the floor right over where his head had been resting. His head reared back, though he soon realized that the taste of it was on his tongue as well. "Blegh." He stuck his tongue out, making a face. "Marzia, honey... Could you please make me some tea?"

  
"Fine." Marzia briskly walked away, not bothering to help him make sense of the situation he was currently in.

  
All Felix knew was that he had gone out drinking. He drew a blank from then on up until now. All he really knew was that he had a headache. A bad one.

  
He was feeling it so much that he stepped into the vomit when he got up. Disgusted, Felix turned up his nose and wandered into the kitchen with his vomit sock. He wasn't really in the mood to deal with it right now.

  
"Your tea will be ready in a minute," Marzia told him. "Your appointment's in a half hour."

  
"Wait... Appointment? Shit. I forgot about that," Felix groaned, leaning onto the counter.

  
"Felix. You should go. Especially since what happened... happened." Marzia shrunk towards the stove just a bit when she said that, preferring boiling water to the temper she had witnessed last night.

  
"Oh, yeah... Right. No wonder I nearly drank myself to death." Felix chuckled, trying to make it a joke, though Marzia shot him a nasty look over her shoulder. "Hey, what's that for?"

  
Marzia took the water off of the stove, turning it off before calmly pouring it into a cup. She took out a teabag and gave Felix the tea, coldly stating, "You hit me last night."

  
"Wh-What? Marzia... Damn it, I didn't know that." Felix quickly set the tea down and grabbed Marzia by the arms, his face a mix of desperation and pain. "I... I just had a rough day yesterday. Is all."

  
"I know you did," Marzia assured him. She still ended up pushing him away, though. The teacup teetered a bit, on the edge of the counter between the two. "But that doesn't make up for the fact. That. You. HIT. Me."

  
"I was drunk. I'm sorry that I'm not like myself when I'm fucking DRUNK." Felix couldn't help but feel disbelief at his girlfriend for being so stubborn. He knew what he had done was wrong, even if he couldn't remember it, but her being like this towards him was just striking a nerve.

  
"Don't talk to me like that!" Marzia raised her voice towards him, the grudge she had held all night showing up like fire within her usually sweet eyes. She bit her lip before blurting, face red, "I'm sorry that you made a controversial video and got fired as a result!"

  
Felix stiffened, eyes widening, the sudden ache in his heart attempting to rip a hole through his chest. "Marzia..."

  
"Yeah, I said it!" Marzia grabbed at her hair with one hand, pulling at it. "I was so... so ANGRY when I found out, Felix. One stupid mistake cost you your entire career. You should have known that you can't say anything you want. You still had a job, and now you lost it."

  
"Marzia, don't. Don't. Please don't. I-I'm having a really hard time with the news, too," Felix said, his voice pitching and yet falling to a pathetic squeak.

  
"But how do you think _I_ feel, Felix? What about me? I'm going to have to support the both of us. Me, all by myself. It was so sudden. I wasn't expecting it. And now everything's changing. You're even starting to hit me. I can't deal with this. I really, really can't." Marzia lowered her voice to Felix's level, her lips trembling.

  
"No. Don't say that. We can get through this together. I can get a new job." It sounded like he was pleading.

  
Marzia smiled, a smile full of sadness, and shook her head. "A minimum-wage job that won't pay for anything in this house. It won't pay for your studio, your crew, anything. We've been using up all of the money you've been making, Felix."

  
"What are you saying, then? What are you saying?" Felix swallowed the dry lump in his throat, trying his best to breathe though it burned. The vomit in his mouth was insufferable. His head was pounding. He grabbed the tea, taking a quick sip. Marzia let him before she said anything.

  
"I'm going back to Italy to stay with my parents for a while. I need to make plans and figure out what to do so we don't go bankrupt in the next week." Marzia looked up at him, her words coming out in slow motion, "I want you to sell the house in a week."

  
The teacup shattered. It slipped past Felix's fingers before he could even begin to notice, his body frozen in time. He felt like he was spiraling downward even more, deeper into the black abyss of his depression. It whispered to him, told him ugly, vile things that he couldn't ignore. He had to believe it, because it sounded so true. Because, if even YouTube didn't want him, that meant that he was scum.

  
He was now scum to Marzia, too. She didn't want him around any more than YouTube did.

  
Marzia shrieked and he was snapped back to reality, only gone for just a nanosecond. The tea had hit her the most, stumbling forward in his fingers with the water spilling out towards her before the cup actually shattered.

  
"I'm so-" But before the apology could even spill from his lips as the water had, she was rushing out the door.  
\----  
  
Felix called her that night. They talked for only 30 minutes before Felix, in tears, ended it with her. She pleaded, said she'd come back, that they would figure it out together, but he was as broken as the teacup had been when it had hit the floor, shattering into a million pieces.

  
The teacup was in the trash now.

  
Felix wondered why he wasn't dead.

  
Felix felt that he needed a drink.


	3. [Spiral With Me]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Come back down to my knees  
> Gotta get back, gotta get free"  
> "Come back down to my knees  
> Lean back now, lean back and breathe"  
> Glass Animals - Life Itself

He returned that night, a half an hour after 11 PM, and he vomited alone, and he slept alone on the couch once more.

  
And he was alone.

  
So alone, alone when he woke up, alone when he made himself tea, alone when he prevented himself from spilling it again.

  
And he was broken.

  
He remembered the teacup. He picked up the garbage can and turned it upside down. He tried to put the teacup back together and he looked like an lunatic and the sharp corners of the cup made his fingers bleed, and he was alone.

  
Felix went through that day like a zombie. He didn't really do much, just watched television and watched the seconds of his life tick away. He went through the pain alone until he couldn't bear it, until his heart attempted to rip him apart.

  
His chest burned as if it was being consumed by acid, his heart aching as if it was being deprived of oxygen. Everything just burned. His eyes burned especially, burned because he wouldn't let the tears come this time. Because a broken human didn't work right. Because sadness made a broken human feel better for only a little while, before it pushed them down into a well made up of loneliness and depression. He couldn't deal with that right now. Not when everything was going so wrong.

  
He used to be a millionaire, he realized. He realized that a lot these days. He used to have a beautiful, loving girlfriend. He used to have a house that didn't smell like vomit. He used to have a job and a passion. A reason to live.

  
Before he actually broke apart and fell down that well, he needed someone. Someone to pull him out. Felix managed to drag himself to his laptop, even though every breath burned and every step ached.

  
"Cry," he tiredly spoke when his friend popped up on the screen. He was hungover and his hair was a mess. There was some vomit on his shirt, but at least it was lower down so that Cry couldn't see.

  
"Pewds? What's up?" Cry looked very surprised to see his best friend like this. Unlike Marzia, Cry had never seen the guy this way before. That hopeless light, or should he call it darkness, that hung around in his eyes, the way he just didn't seem like himself.

  
"Cry," Felix repeated, running his fingers through a tangled mess of golden locks. They got stuck and he had to pull them out, showing no care or apology for his appearance. Another bad sign, since PewDiePie always enjoyed looking presentable. "I... I... broke up with Marzia." There was utter defeat in his voice, utter exhaustion.

  
Cry, on the other end, went silent, his eyes widening and his heart pounding in his chest. His brain was split, equally half and half, one side shocked and upset, the other jumping for joy. It was so bad to have such a happy emotion towards it, though at least he didn't show it. His mind was way more focused on getting answers anyway. "Pewds...? Wh-What? I don't... understand."

  
Pewds proceeded to give him the whole story. It was incredible that he hadn't cried yet. His eyes burned so much. They felt dry as a desert, empty as one too. He didn't cry even as he spoke of Marzia, even as his soul cried for her.

  
They had been together for six years, but those years were now wasted. She hadn't tried to call him. He hadn't tried to call her.

  
Cry sat back, closing his gaping mouth to be polite. The story was brutal and quite terrible too, the upset emotion shoving away any signs of happiness. By the look of Felix, he was devastated. "I see... I'm sorry, Pewds. Maybe... it's for the best? I mean, she didn't seem like she wanted to help you. It seems to me like she was just thinking of herself. And that's what you need to do. You need to think of yourself and make sure that you can heal properly. You've been through a lot these past few days."

  
Felix could only nod. Finally his eyes began to work, a tear streaming out which caused his sockets to burn even more. All he had acknowledged was that he was hurting. He placed a hand over his heart, wondering if the hole had formed yet. It had to have. Otherwise, he wouldn't feel like he was dying. "Yeah," he pitifully sniffled.

  
He was like a flower that had begun to get treated badly. First an uprooting, placing him into a pot that he couldn't escape from. No fertilizer, no sunlight. His only medicine was alcohol. His sickness was the way pink petals withered and green leaves shrunk to brown shrivels. His sickness was vomit.

  
"Tell you what... Let me help you. I bet you're pretty lonely in that big house of yours." Cry offered a smile, trying to show some form of optimism. Especially since Felix's face seemed to have sunken in, devoid of the positivity it always attempted to convey.

  
"You'd come all the way to England for me? Cry..." Pewds was speechless, more tears leaking from him. He wiped them away and nodded, ferociously. The loneliness was threatening to drive him insane.

  
He had no metaphor for loneliness. It was just loneliness, which was the worst part about it. He couldn't make it out to be anything else.

  
"Psh, of course I would!" Cry said it like it was blatantly obvious, which thankfully made a tiny smile come across Felix's face. It was better than nothing. "Just for you, Felix.

  
"Just for you."  
\----  
  
Getting a ticket last-minute was a pain in the ass. Of course the flights were booked. Cry had to, sheepishly enough, text Felix to get him a ticket. He didn't particularly like using his friend's popularity to gain benefits, but he felt that he could let it pass by him without acting too guilty this time. It was for a good cause, after all. It was for his friend.

  
The flight had been booked for tomorrow, the airline unable to accommodate him any sooner. A good thing, he had to admit, for he couldn't just travel halfway around the world before at least being a little prepared. He spent the rest of the night packing and thinking of Felix.

  
It was thinking about Felix that really killed him. Poor guy. He had been through so much shit lately. Cry couldn't help but hope that he could be a ray of sunshine in the midst of it all. He just wanted to help. He just wanted to be there and to hold Felix and tell him that everything would be okay now.

  
He would do so, but not in the way he wanted to. Because life wasn't a fairy-tale.  
\----  
  
The airport was a terrifying place for Cry. Wherever he looked there was someone else who looked back at him. He was sweating, his clammy palm barely managing to hold onto the small suitcase he had brought along with him. He looked down and glued his eyes to the ground, not wanting to look so nervous in the last place you should look nervous in.

  
Ever since he had started YouTube, there had been complications. The benefits naturally outweighed them, the main reason he had continued uploading all these years, but that didn't mean that he wasn't harassed. Fans were sometimes rabid, especially when on the subject of his identity. It was a subject he did his best to avoid, acknowledging it when necessary though heavily preferring to keep his YouTube life and personal life as separate as they could be.

  
He had tried so hard to do that. This was proven by long nights spent looking in the mirror, wondering if he wanted his fans to see this face. Wondering if fans would ever accept this face. He already knew his answer, but still he spent time wondering if it would ever change.

  
It hadn't. With that lack of change, a new fear had surfaced. A fear of the people who wanted to know who he was. A fear of actual people.

  
If even one person knew who he was, it would spread throughout the Internet. Maybe not like a wildfire, though it would certainly reach those who knew of him. Then the ones who liked not knowing who he was would be spoiled of the surprise, and he would be spoiled too.

  
He sometimes sat there and simply read through comments arguing over the release of his identity. As if they had any say over it. They acted like they did and fought for their side with a passion. He never knew which side to listen to. He didn't know if he should listen to either.

  
Cry steeled himself as he went to stand in the long line, trying not to hyperventilate. It would be okay. People were only looking at him because he was acting weird. They weren't studying every feature, scrutinizing his nose or his body or his clothes or anything. They weren't wondering if he was THE Cry, if they could get rich off of selling his picture, if they were selfish enough to ask for an autograph just to sell that too. It was okay.

  
He managed to make it through, somehow, but his odd behavior was obviously noticed. The male was pulled over for a security check, trying not to sweat more than he already had. Still, not a single thing on him was made of metal and he wasn't hiding anything. He was only attempting to hide his fear, a fear that had managed to bleed into his personal life.

  
In a way, there was no real solution for separating YouTube from personal. YouTube was a constant presence in his life, whether he liked it or not.

  
Sometimes he didn't like it.

  
Getting past the security check had been bad enough, what with all those people crowded together, but he soon arrived at his gate. People were everywhere. The place was infected with a constant stream of people. Every seat had been taken, for it was only about a half hour before the plane was supposed to arrive, and Cry nearly had a panic attack right then and there.

  
He ducked behind a pillar, closed his eyes, tried to breathe. The chatter of people filled his head until he was numb, until he could barely stand. Thirty minutes ticked by so slowly.

  
Cry felt like he was only able to breathe again when he collapsed into his seat. He had forgotten how horrible he felt when he experienced crowds. A part of him wished he had invited Felix to America instead, but the Swede was more ill-prepared for travel than a guy terrified of crowds.

  
He decided that he might as well relax now, closing his eyes to block out the people.

  
Naturally, he thought of Felix to calm himself.  
\----  
  
Hours on the plane caused him to get all cramped up. He stretched when he finally arrived in England, then did his best to rush out of the airport in a timely manner. Thankfully, none of his bags were late in arriving.

  
He had a cab pick him up, just something simple that Felix had arranged. He couldn't exactly meet Cry at the airport in front of all these people, which Cry had eagerly understood.

  
When he arrived at Felix's home, after having originally been dropped off a block away, he ran up the steps with his small suitcase. Cry felt excitement run throughout his body as he knocked on the door. It was late. Around midnight, to be exact, since the trip from America to England had taken so long.

  
The door opened. There stood a very drunk, very damaged Felix. There was vomit all over his shirt, his face bruised and nose bloody. 

  
"I got in a fight," Felix slurred. And that was his greeting for Cry, "Want a drink?"


	4. [New Wounds]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I feel like a new man  
> Red flowers in my bed  
> Breathe straight through the crisp air"  
> "Dead flowers in the sand  
> I am a true romantic  
> Free falling love addict"  
> Glass Animals - Poplar St

"Alright Fe, let's get you inside." Cry didn't know how to feel about it. He didn't know how to react, never having expected that his best friend would greet him at the door like this. He simply left his suitcase in the hall and led Felix in, finding that the Swedish male could barely function on his feet. How had he even manged to answer the door?

  
"I was waitin' for ya, Cry," Felix giggled with a little hiccup. He thumped on his chest, enough to let out a burp.

  
Cry tried not to show his disgust. "Right," he mumbled, trying to find the kitchen. He had never been in this house before. He hadn't seen Felix in person ever since the man had been evicted from his last home, actually. That had been a year ago.

  
It was funny. He had planned on greeting him with a hug, an overjoyed yelp, something over-the-top maybe. He hadn't been sure of the specifics, but now it didn't matter. Felix's greeting had left him numb, a feeling he hadn't expected to experience. Unbeknownst to Cry, Felix would cause a lot of unexpected feelings to surface.

  
When they got to the kitchen, Cry made sure that Felix had a chair to sit in. He then went looking for a First-Aid kit. From his knowledge, Felix usually kept that type of thing around here. His clumsiness had led to a lot of cuts around his fingers.

  
"Aha!" He smiled triumphantly as he pulled the tiny kit out of its little hiding place within the drawers. It was right next to all the rags, nearly hidden by the cloth. Cry went to Felix, who was barely on the chair anymore.

  
He was slumped over, his nose bleeding all over his jeans. He looked like complete crap, not a sight that Cry particularly enjoyed.

  
Cry grabbed one of the rags before coming over again. He leaned down, pushing Felix back up so that he could grab his nostrils with the piece of cloth. "I'm sorry to get blood on this, but I don't know where you keep any tissues," he apologized, only receiving a stuffy moan in response. It was obvious that the Swede wouldn't be able to direct him either, so rag it was.

  
Then, he saw it. Felix's fingers had Band-Aids on them. Only four for all fingers, not noticeable enough until now. Still holding his nose with one hand, Cry reached down and picked up one hand. It seemed to be in the worst shape, three Band-Aids stuck to three fingers.

  
His hand was so soft, so warm. The Band-Aids deterred him from it, though only slightly. Cry sighed softly, looking up at eyes that weren't looking at him. Felix was so drunk. He faintly wondered if the male would remember anything that had happened. "Felix... Why did you drink so much?"

  
A sharp intake of air, from his mouth, an angry gesture. His eyes looked up. Flames. "You sound j'st like her." His voice was strange with his nose plugged, not getting the anger through properly.

  
"I-I'm sorry." Cry picked up that Felix was getting defensive and shut up after his apology. They were in silence for a few minutes, Cry preventing Felix from leaning back while he sorted out the nosebleed. He finally spoke, after Felix kept trying to fight him, "Bend forward. Let the blood get out, rather than going to your brain like that. There you go, Felix..."

  
Another minute and Cry pulled the rag away, inspecting to see if the blood had stopped. He let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, your nose stopped bleeding. Did you lose a lot of blood?"

  
"Got some on th' couch," Felix mumbled, looking dizzy.

  
"...Okay. That doesn't really help." Cry decided that he'd just watch Felix and make sure he didn't faint. Hospital time if he did. For now, it seemed like he just needed to rest. "Let's get you up."

  
Cry slung Felix's arm over his shoulder, supporting him as best he could. It wasn't easy, since Cry was actually short. While not below 5 feet, as he had joked before with a friend, he stood at a mere 5 feet 5 inches. There were two extra centimeters in there, if it counted for anything. He was basically 5'6"-ish.

  
A little over 3 inches shorter, which did matter when lugging along a very drunk Swede.

  
The stairs were a definite no-go. There was no way that he could get Felix up there, even if he wanted to. He opted for the living room, though he regretted his choice the moment he opened up the door to the room.

  
He had thought that something had smelled strange, though his brain had brushed it off as an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar scents. Now it was obvious that the smell had been the faint trace of vomit, much more evident now that he had found the source. "Pe-yew," he groaned, plugging his noise.

  
Felix was weirdly unaffected by it, seeming to be more unstable when he saw the couch. Cry quickly brought him over, letting the male lay down with a thump. Only then did he remember the blood Felix had mentioned, face-palming at his lacking memory. The disgusting stench had seemingly snatched his thoughts away, until nothing but it had remained. He had even nearly dropped Felix somewhere along the way after his nose caught a whiff of it.

  
His head hurt. Cry massaged his temples, hating the smell. He looked down at Felix.

  
His face was bruised. Signs of a fight were evident, since fists would definitely cause this type of damage. How the hell had Felix's nose not been broken? Maybe his opponent hadn't been very skilled. Cry wasn't sure. All he knew was, seeing Felix like this _hurt_.

  
A wound of the heart, which throbbed sympathetically for his friend. Cry leaned down, gently tracing over the bruises. It made Felix wince and nothing more. Cry leaned further. He wished he could help Felix. He wished he could wash the putrid taste of vomit out of his own mouth, for it had crawled in with how foul the air here was.

  
He was leaning in so close now.

  
Felix's eyes were half-closed.

  
Cry's eyes glanced down.

  
Felix's lips were slightly parted and chapped.

  
He could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was so strong. Too strong. It made him cringe, pull back, the thought of kissing him purely on his mind. He couldn't do that, though. He wanted to do that when Felix understood what was happening. It was his fairy tale dream. He could see the perfect scenario, compiled in his head with the help of unrealistic movies, too-perfect music, and the elaborate lies of romantic novels.

  
The lie that someone abusive still loved you.

  
Felix had told Cry that he had hit Marzia. He added in that he couldn't remember, couldn't recall the moment his palm had struck her face. He hadn't been able to recall the eyes that had dulled in pain, hadn't been able to envision her crying in her bed.

  
It wasn't like he hadn't seen it as a big deal. He had. The way his face had scrunched up, the way he had gulped back dry tears. He had been full of regret.

  
Yet not enough regret to set down the liquor. Such dark thoughts still continued to surface in his mind. Felix had done his best to drown them, but even now he couldn't. He wanted to scream. He wanted to sleep forever. He wanted to rip his hair out. He wanted to jump off a ledge.

  
Felix looked up at Cry through blurred eyes, wondering why the fuck he was here. Had he invited him over? Felix didn't remember. He had drank to the point where he couldn't remember, so those dark thoughts were thankfully repressed. Repressed by the burn in his throat, the dull ache in his head, the churning in his stomach.

  
He ended up passing out with Cry standing over him, sprawled in the same room he had slept in for the past few nights.

  
Cry sighed, brushing Felix's messed up hair out of his face. Felix smelled. He obviously hadn't had a shower in a while, though Cry knew that he couldn't blame him. He hadn't even realized that things were this bad for the poor guy. He went to the kitchen again and got some cleaning tools, managing to clean up the vomit as Felix slept. It took some time, plus he did it quietly. The smell was still disgusting. After he was done, he searched around until he managed to find some sort of air freshener.

  
He didn't even bother to read the label before spraying it. Anything was better than the smell of vomit.  
\----  
  
The chirping of birds woke Cry. He rolled over in the bed and stretched comfortably among the sheets, which reminded him of Felix. It was his bed, after all, though it hadn't been slept in for a few nights now.

  
Cry had a sleepy look to him as he got up. His hair was ruffled, his blue eyes tearing up as he yawned. He wasn't sure what time it was. His main priority right now was Felix, so he went downstairs to check up on him.

  
Muffled sobbing could be heard from the living room. Cry paused on the stairs, sleepy eyes widening to become more awake and aware.

  
He ran to the living room and stumbled in, finding Felix curled up on the couch with his face in his hands. "F-Felix?"

  
Felix looked up, startled. He tried to stop crying, not wanting to look weak in front of Cry. He wiped at his eyes so hard it hurt and straightened up on the couch, all in a manner of seconds. "What? It's nothing. I'm fine." The words sounded as fake as they were.

  
Cry walked over and sat next to the Swedish man, wrapping his arms about him. "Felix... You're not okay. I know you aren't." He looked up at the male, the smell of alcohol still faint on his friend. "Please, don't deny you need help. I'm here to try to help you, but you have to try and help yourself first."

  
Felix was frozen, his arms at his sides while Cry hugged him. He looked like he didn't want to be touched, actually pushing at Cry a bit until he let up. "I'm fine, Cry. I already said that..."

  
"Felix." Cry got up, grabbing Felix's hands as he did so. He tugged the taller male up with him, who winced a bit. Cry peered at him, "You're hungover, aren't you?"

  
"...Yeah," Felix admitted, tugging one hand out of Cry's in order to hold his head. "I have a little headache, but I'll be fine."

  
Cry sighed softly. "Felix... I didn't realize your drinking was this bad. Did you know that you got into a fight last night?"

  
Felix's eyes widened at this, disbelief in his voice as he asked, "Seriously!? Did anybody get hurt?"

  
"Well, you did. Though I'm sure you already figured that out. I don't know about the other guy, but... This is serious. I think you should stop drinking so much." Cry's voice was as dry as it could be, dead serious from the look of his blue eyes.

  
A strange expression came over Felix's face at the thought of quitting alcohol. Everything had gone to shit. Alcohol was all he had left at this point, the only thing that helped take away the pain. When he didn't have it... He cried, like a weakling. He did nothing, like a useless being. He was depressed, like nothing mattered. "No."

  
"Felix!" Cry's voice rose in disbelief, shock entering his body. He couldn't believe the stubbornness he faced in front of him. "You CAN'T say that! You need to get better. Alcohol won't fix your problems."

  
Felix could feel anger and annoyance rising within him. Words that were only meant to be thoughts shot out of his mouth, "You don't know what'll fix me. Fuck off, Cry."

  
"I'm trying to help! Why are you being so rude?" Cry's voice softened as he tried to get through to Felix, coming closer to the male.

  
"You're the rude one. You come into my house and start telling me what to do... You haven't been in my life for a year," Felix mumbled, a bit of bitterness seeming to drift from his voice.

  
"As if that was my choice." _I love you. Why would I leave you on purpose?_ "I'm trying to help. You know I am." Cry did his best to be gentle, not wanting to take out his anger on his friend. "What about Marzia, Felix? You could patch things up with her if you-"

  
"SHUT UP! Just shut up!" Felix violently shoved Cry away, the smaller man ending up on the couch next to dried blood. Tears sprung back into his eyes. "Don't talk about her..."

  
Cry shrunk back, shaking a bit. Felix wasn't one to use physical force like this. "I w-was just trying t-to-"

  
"Whatever." Felix rubbed his face, followed by words that scared Cry further. "I'm done with this. I need a drink."


	5. [You've Got A Friend in Me]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I don't ever wanna pick a slice  
> One is pretty, but the other lies"  
> Glass Animals - Take A Slice

Alone again. Yet this time, not so much. Felix cupped his drink in his hands, staring down at the liquid. The more he drank, the more the worries disappeared.

  
He had to sell the house. The days were going by so fast and he was losing so much money already. There was still a huge payment to make to the house, since it had been a fairly new investment, and-

  
He took a big swig.

  
What house?

  
Cry. How could he push his best friend away like that? Pewds loved having the guy around. Cry had always been his lifeline, when anything went wrong, and-

  
Another drink, this one so ferocious that streaks of the liquid dripped down from his mouth and to his chin.

  
Cry didn't exist anymore.

  
No one existed. He was alone, and yet, not.

  
He cupped the drink in his hands. Cradled it, like a baby, yet not. What was a baby, anyway? His mind was too foggy for him to remember.

  
He drank until he couldn't remember a single thing. And he was happy.

  
So deliriously happy.  
\----  
  
Cry had cleaned the blood from the couch. It was fairly easy because the couch wasn't made of absorbent material. Just cold, smooth leather. The leather looked shiny and expensive. It looked new. A lot of things in the house looked rather new.

  
He had been sitting atop the rightmost cushion for the longest time, his legs curled up on it. He had just sat there, frozen, as he allowed Felix to walk out the door.

  
Cry furiously ran his fingers through his hair, wanting to tug it all out. He blinked back the tears that were threatening to drown him. This wasn't how he thought things would go. He thought that he could help Felix, but he seemed to be making things worse.

  
It was like Felix didn't even want him around anymore. As if he regretted helping him come to Britain.

  
That was just it. Cry had been the one to suggest it, not Felix. This was his fault, his mess. He intended to clean it up as much as he could.

  
At least bars weren't open here as late as they were in America. When he had looked it up, wondering if Felix would ever stumble back home, he was relieved to notice that bit of information.

  
He now got up, heading to his little suitcase. In it was all his recording equipment. It wasn't much, since he never showed his face, so it had all been packed neatly and easily. Maybe it would be good for him to set it all up. It would give him something to do with his time, at least, which was a good thing. For once, thinking of Felix wasn't helping him.

  
Setting everything up took time, of course. He ended up doing it in what appeared to be one of the guest rooms. Before he finished carrying everything up the stairs, he had wandered about the house. It was a house he could get lost in, basically the mansion of a famous person.

  
PewDiePie was famous, alright. Now even more so, if it was possible. The news was clogged with gossip and misinformation on what had happened with Felix. Cry didn't usually like to look at the news, but when he booted up his computer, he noticed that his fans were all sending him news stories and asking if it was true. They were practically shoving all this into his face, seemingly having nowhere else to go.

  
It was obvious that Felix had not publicly stated that his account had been banned. So, to millions upon millions of fans, the Swede was just... gone. As if he had disappeared into thin air.

  
Everybody was worried. He had not posted to Instagram, and Marzia had obviously been so distraught about it that she had deleted most of the pictures of her and Felix from her own account. He was absent from Twitter, from Tumblr, from everything. Nowhere to be found, with Cry left to pick up the pieces.

  
It took hours. Hours of work, of trying to spread Felix's good name. It was difficult, especially since Cry only had a fraction of the followers that Pewds had used to have. Before PewDiePie had been taken away.

  
There were other things Pewds could do. Of course there were, but the man just didn't seem to want to do anything. If he did want to continue his career some other way, he would have been at least a little more active than this. Cry felt frustrated after three hours. PewDiePie had a lot more haters than he thought. Especially since the media had blown up, portraying Pewds as a no-good Nazi. As scum of the Earth. People who didn't even know him were saying such horrible things.

  
He felt the tears trying to break through once more. This was just a whole bunch of frustration and stress.

  
The familiar sound of a pending Skype call had his head shoot up, his eyes widen. He checked who it was, smiling at the name. It was Minx! One of his good friends, especially from years back. They still talked often, even after not recording videos together anymore.

  
He answered the voice chat, since both didn't particularly like to show their faces. While Minx had recently done a face reveal only a few months back, no one knew Cry's face still. His best friend Pewds and a few other select friends did know who he truly was, though he trusted every single one of them to keep it a secret.

  
"Hey, Minx." He smiled, minimizing the Skype window to try to find something other than people obsessing over Pewds. Sadly, he was already having no such luck.

  
"Cry! It's good to speak to you again. You've been kinda absent from the Internet, I was starting to wonder if you had died or something." The usual laugh from Minx as she ribbed him.

  
"Yeah, I know. I've been... busy." Cry wasn't really sure if he wanted to tell her what had been going on. It was his mess, after all, his pieces to put together. The stress was really getting to him, though. Before he knew it, he had leaned away from the computer before quickly blurting, "I'minEngland."

  
Silence on the other end, just for a moment. A moment that had his heart leap up and start hammering at his ribcage. There it was, another stupid choice to regret, another-

  
"Seriously?" Minx was incredulous, her voice full of disbelief. "Uh. WHY? You live in America, don't you?"

  
"I came for Pewds. I'm sure you've noticed that he's been absent too," Cry explained, with Minx eagerly butting in.

  
"Oh THAT'S why! You've been fucking your boyfriend, haven't you!? You go, you dog you!" She started laughing again, hysterically, Cry's cheeks nearly bursting into flames.

  
"Th-That's not it!" His usually calm, deep voice turned strange and high-pitched, sounding nothing like himself. When she stopped laughing, he added, "He's not my boyfriend."

  
It didn't take a lot to imagine the smirk on Minx's face. "I mean, you did say you CAME for him..."

  
Cry groaned, burying his tomato face in his hands. "Quit it, Minx. Jeez."

  
"You know I'm fucking kidding," Minx retaliated, the smile still evident in her voice. "And you know I had to. I love teasing you like that. It's OBVIOUS you like him, Cry. It was obvious all those years ago, too, back when we all used to play Prop Hunt and whatever."

  
"It was just a small crush back then," Cry reminded her, though she obviously didn't care about that. He had always done his best to hide his feelings from Felix. He even pulled away from the YouTuber a year back, refusing to collaborate anymore. It was a crappy choice on his part, but he felt that he had to do it. He felt that he had to get over his crush.

  
It hadn't worked well in his favor.

  
"Riiiight, sooooo tiny," Minx teased him. She paused for a moment, then, the topic getting a bit more somber. "Hey... What happened to Felix anyway? His YouTube account is just... gone."

  
Cry rubbed the back of his head, not sure how to reply. "The poor guy ended up banned, basically. It was because of all the stupid Nazi stuff. YouTube kicked him off because he was disrupting their ad revenue."

  
"Wow. You sure know a lot about this, Cry."

  
"Yeah... I'm here to try to help Felix." _But I'm not doing so well with it. I'm such a fuck-up, Minx. If you were here, you'd say the same. I'm worthless to him. Worthless to everybody._ "U-Um... It has been... really difficult." There was a catch in his voice, his sudden dark thoughts causing him to hang his head in shame. Because his thoughts spoke the truth.

  
"Hey, I'm sure it has been. I mean, this guy was on top of the world! I can't believe YouTube did that... I'm gonna have to be careful with what I say from now on."

  
"A lot of YouTubers are angry about it. They're all for freedom of speech. Some are even trying to expose the media's BS, like Felix tried to do. It's like an all-out war on YouTube." Cry tiredly said this, frustrated about it after having stared at all of it for three hours.

  
"Oh trust me, I know. Some of Pewds' closest friends made videos about it. Jack was rather adamant about Felix's return to YouTube, but you know he's careful when it comes to talking about things like that. Especially after that last video regarding Pewds. Ken spoke about it too. He wasn't happy at all."

  
"I didn't get around to watching those videos... It sucks that this is what Felix has to deal with." Cry ran his hands through his hair, which was a tufted mess.

  
"Could I talk to Felix? Is he there?"

  
Cry nervously gulped, biting his lip. "No, he's" _drinking himself to death_ "out."

  
"Ah. Well, tell him to get his ass back online! Everybody's being harassed about his disappearance. He needs to get on here to clean up the mess."

  
_No, I need to clean up the mess. It has to be me. Felix can't do it. Felix won't do it._ "Yeah. You got it, Minx."

  
"Thanks! I'll see you later, Cry, I've got some videos to record. If you need to talk or are having troubles adjusting to the British life, your ol' pal Minx has got ya! Call me anytime." With that, Minx hung up.

  
The male got something to eat after that, returning to his computer soon after.

  
Cry continued visiting social media sites, answering questions for PewDiePie's fans on Felix's pages. Whenever he'd answer something, another question would pop up. It was endless confusion. Everybody was soon wondering how he was getting this information and Cry had no idea what to say. He wrote that he was staying at Felix's.

  
That made things worse, of course.

  
'OMG guys, pewdiecry CONFIRMED!'  
'Fangirling sooooo hard rn'  
'i bet pewds got banned so he could spend more time with his bf cry ;)'  
'fist me, daddy'

  
The comments just got worse and worse. Even though, of course, some dark part of him liked them. He _loved_ the idea of being with Felix. He always had.

  
Clearing up the situation wasn't easy, but some fans understood what had happened now. He had spent most of the day on the comments, though of course he reserved some time for his videos. One that he recorded was more story-based, so it didn't need to be edited much. It took time, of course, but he managed to get it up. His uploading schedule had been a bit fucked up lately, though at least he could get something out for his fans.

  
It was late when he finished everything. He leaned back and sighed, happy to be done with everything. Playing the game had been slightly annoying, since stress had made him frustrated, but he had managed to be the Cry that his fans loved. It was similar to putting on a mask.

  
Cry stretched and got up, planning to grab a snack. He had been so preoccupied that he hadn't eaten ever since the end of the Skype call, which had been in the early afternoon. He walked down the steps and heard the door open.

  
_FELIX!_

  
Cry felt his entire spirit being lift up, a wide smile appearing upon his face. He got to the bottom of the staircase, only to hear giggling.

  
_FELIX?_

  
It wasn't Felix's giggling. It wasn't his. It sounded so feminine, too feminine for even the male. He gasped, softly.

  
_FELIX..._

  
"You are SO funny! I can't believe it took you this long to find your own house." She was so loud, so... British.

  
Cry tried to listen for Felix, but he couldn't hear him. They had apparently come through the back door.

  
Cry wondered how much Felix had to drink in order to forget about him.


	6. [Hey There Jealousy]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Burn through my love  
> Just like your drug"  
> "I've had quite enough  
> Or lack thereof"  
> Glass Animals - Cane Shuga

It wasn't Marzia. The girl Felix held in his arms was all wrong and he knew it.

  
When she kissed him, he opened his eyes and studied her. He had decided that she was ugly only after seeing her underneath the light. Why were the lights on anyway?

  
Her hair: blonde and overly curly. Wrong. Her eyes, when opened: bright green. WRONG. It was all disgustingly wrong. He felt his stomach doing backflips, as if he would throw up. She just had to be that repulsive to him, didn't she?

  
She was here, in his house, and she was leading him up the stairs. She was asking him if he had heard that sound, if anybody else lived here.

  
Marzia was gone and no one remained, so he shook his head.

  
This made her relax, made her strange giggling return. Her laugh sounded like bells. Tiny, annoying bells. He could barely take it. He wanted more than anything for her to shut up.

  
For a while, he didn't understand what was going on. She looked so amazed as she walked down the hall. How had he managed to make it up the stairs? He had no idea. He was so confused.

  
She pushed him into a room and her lips were on his again and everything was so confusing. When she stuck her tongue into his mouth, he could barely taste the intensity of those girly drinks he had ordered for her. At least that came back to him, which meant that he had liked her back then. Spending so much money on one person meant that you had to like them.

  
He didn't like her now. "Why are you in my house?" That was the first thing he had said to her that he could actually recall saying, in the form of a confused slur.

  
She had laughed again. Why did she have to laugh? It wasn't funny. It was annoying. She knew that he was really drunk, which was what made this so great.

  
He knew that he didn't remember her name. Had he even asked? Did he even care?

  
She pushed him onto the bed. He nearly threw up at the horrible motion, but she was on top of him, preventing him with her lips.

  
This was all so wrong.  
\----  
  
Cry lay in bed that night. His body was fully covered by sheets he had borrowed from Felix's room, before _she_ had come. She was so loud. In any bedroom he entered, he could hear her. She filled the whole house, and he had no idea how to tell if it was real or fake or some sick mix. He didn't want to wonder if Felix was making her feel good. He didn't want to think about it, because thinking about it hurt. Thinking about it made the tips of his ears redden, along with his cheeks.

  
An angry red, laced with jealousy and embarrassment. He couldn't believe he was listening to the two 'getting it on', as much as he couldn't believe that this was actually happening in the first place.

  
How could Felix do this? He could have texted Cry as a warning, but it was obvious the aforementioned male had been completely forgotten. Now all that was left to do was to try and get through the night.

  
That would indeed be difficult. Cry turned to his side and stuffed a pillow against his exposed ear, shutting his eyes tight. He would not think about Felix.

  
He would not think about how she was able to touch him. She was able to kiss him. She was able to be with him. She was able to feel him inside her and to have his hands on her naked body and to moan for him. She was able to do everything he had dreamed of doing for years.

  
Was it just because she was a girl?

  
Or was it just because he was drunk, out of his mind, unable to act any better?

  
He wondered if Felix would ever want him. Even if he was just drunk. Cry imagined getting drunk with Felix and the fantasy was everything he wanted except not, because he could hear her through the pillow but he couldn't hear him.

  
Cry lifted the pillow from his ear and he still couldn't hear Felix. He sat up, and still the Swede was not to be heard. He was in the farthest room so he got up, wrapping himself with the blanket that faintly smelled like Felix. He stopped at the door to Felix's room but Felix still wasn't making any noise.

  
Frustration ran throughout him like a rampage. He thought about stopping her. Felix couldn't possibly be enjoying this. He thought about taking her place. Would Felix enjoy that?

  
He reached out for the doorknob, his hand shaking. Cry was so conflicted. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He wasn't even sure what Felix wanted, at this point.

  
This was all so wrong.  
\----  
  
"Are you liking this, baby?" Her voice was as smooth as silk, but her accent threw him off. He wondered if she was Australian, but she hadn't called him her 'mate'.

  
Her hands were in a place they shouldn't be. Felix didn't know how he felt about that. All he could think of was Marzia, which meant that he needed more liquor. "Alcohol," he slurred to the half-naked girl atop him.

  
She was only in her panties and shirt. She giggled again, puzzling him even more in his stupor, and tilted her head. Her blonde locks fell over her shoulder, radiant. She was beautiful. Felix could only see her as ugly, which meant that he needed more liquor. "Alright, love. Where do I find it?"

  
"Cabinet. Kitch'n," Felix simply replied, pushing her off so that he could roll over. His stomach hurt. It was about time to stop drinking, but he didn't want to. The walk back had sobered him up too much.

  
The girl looked annoyed, though she simply got up and went to fulfill his wishes. She opened the door.

  
Felix opened his eyes to look at the wall while she was gone.

  
This was all so wrong.  
\----  
  
Cry had hid when she left Felix's room. He knew he had to do something, though. He came out of the next room when she was downstairs and slipped into the man's room. "Felix."  
  
Felix turned to look at him, the way he had looked at him the first night Cry had found him drunk. "Cry? Wha th' fuck are you doin' here?"

  
"You need to get that girl out of here, Felix." Cry wasn't afraid to approach the Swedish man, his face set in his seriousness.

  
Felix sat up with effort. "Why?"

  
"Because! You don't like her, do you?" Cry tilted his head towards Felix, going knee-first onto the bed.

  
"She's not really my type," Felix admitted with his nose scrunched.

  
"What, uh, is your type?" Cry found himself nervously gulping. They were face-to-face now, Felix having sobered up a bit.

  
"I dunno." Felix shrugged, a lazy look in his eyes. He seemed more relieved then when Cry had first come in.

  
"Hello!" The sing-song voice interrupted their conversation. The door opened, the Brit girl coming in with a drink in her hand. "I got! ...what you wanted..." Her excitement drained the moment she saw Cry there, a disgusted expression on her face. "H-Hey, what's the meaning of this!?"

  
Felix looked up, though he didn't seem alarmed in the slightest. The alcohol sure had relaxed him. "Bring the-"

  
"You're gay, aren't you!?" The British girl stomped her foot as if she were having a tantrum, her face growing red from embarrassment. "Ew! You freak! No wonder you weren't reacting to my touch!" She came closer.

  
"Wha?" Felix blinked, not understanding what she was talking about.

  
With a ferocious screech, the end of the bottle was slammed against the nightstand.

  
Shards of glass flew towards the bed, mostly hitting Cry since the bottle had been slammed down at an angle.

  
"What the fuck!?" Felix was really sobering up now, alarmed as the girl approached the bed. He grabbed Cry and pushed him to the side, sliding to the end of the bed so that he could protect the smaller male. "Get away!"

  
The girl had a crazed look in her eyes, holding up the remains of the bottle. She lunged at Felix, swinging her weapon wildly. Felix winced as he suffered several cuts to his arms, though he finally managed to grab the girl's wrists. With an 'umph', he shoved her. She hit her head hard against the wall and fell, unconscious.

  
Felix rushed to Cry, making him the priority. "Oh no! Are you okay? Did she hurt you?"

  
Cry looked up at Felix, tears lingering in his eyes. "My back is bleeding," he whimpered.

  
"We're going to the hospital, okay?" Felix grabbed him up, able to hold him in his arms easily. His embrace was warm, comforting. "You're okay. You're okay, baby." His lips, when pressed against Cry's, were soft, loving...

  
That was what Cry had imagined he had done as he listened to the squeaking, the moaning, and the groaning in the next room. He had never gone into Felix's room.

  
Felix had gotten his drink.


	7. [My Problem]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Shake my little soul for you now, toy  
> And I settle up into a world of noise"  
> "I'm a man of many tricks and tools and joy  
> With a battery of guilt on which to poise"  
> Glass Animals - Pools

When Cry woke up that morning, he didn't know that something was wrong. He didn't know it when he went to the bathroom with his toothbrush, or when he took a shower, or when he changed his clothes.

  
He only knew when he entered Felix's room.

  
It was morning, around 9 AM, and Felix wasn't awake yet. He was sprawled out on his bed, his mouth open as he drooled on his sheets and snored. His room was a mess, most of the pillows tossed all over the floor. The blanket was off of his body, exposing him to Cry.

  
Cry felt that it wasn't right to stare, but looking anywhere else meant that he had to face the truth.

  
Felix had been robbed.

  
Obviously, the hurried noise of the drawers opening hadn't managed to drag him out of his alcoholic 'coma'. They had been ripped out of his dresser, his clothes strewn all over the floor. It was a mess and the random girl had not cared enough to set everything in its proper place. Almost like she wanted him to know that he had been robbed.

  
Cry wondered if she had known that he was THE PewDiePie, but there was really no point in trying to confirm it. He hated himself for a moment, knowing he could have heard her if he hadn't slept with pillows pressing against both his ears. "Felix," he whispered, coming over to the man's bedside to shake him awake.

  
Felix moaned, not wanting to get up, and Cry had a sudden flashback to last night. He shook his head, just wanting to forget it. "Leave me alone," he grumbled, only to be shaken by Cry again.

  
"Come on, Felix. You have to get up," Cry insisted, trying not to let the panic overflow his voice.

  
Felix heard it, though. He always did. He knew Cry like the back of his hand, which Cry hated and loved all at the same time. "What? What is it?" He sat up, groaning softly as he held his head. Naturally, a horrid hangover.

  
"Do you want me to make you some tea?" Cry was at his side immediately, worried for him.

  
"NO!" Felix looked up in alarm right as he said it, eyes widening with so many complex emotions that Cry had to look away.

  
"Okay, okay. No tea," Cry reassured, which seemed to calm Felix. "Look, I know it's early. I know you probably don't want to deal with this, but... I think that girl was trying to find your money."

  
Felix froze, as if all time had suddenly stopped. His blood ran cold, a lump immediately beginning to form in his throat. "Wh-What?" He swallowed, though it was more like a gulp, and looked about his room with bugged-out eyes. He pushed Cry to the side to get up, his breathing increasing as his panic grew. "What!? No!" He immediately hit the floor to look underneath his bed, pulling at his hair when his safe wasn't there. "Fuck!! I knew I should have put it in the bank, how did this fucking happen?"

  
It happened because you got drunk. Again. Cry bit back his sudden anger, knowing that it really wasn't the best way to deal with Felix. "It's okay, Fe," he whispered, coming up to place a hand on his shoulder.

  
It wasn't reassuring to Felix, though. He spun around, which forced Cry's hand off of him, eyes lit up in anger. "NO! IT ISN'T!" He clenched his fists and Cry flinched, bracing for the impact. Felix just ended up doubling over, holding his stomach and groaning.

  
"Okay, let's get you to the bathroom," Cry mumbled. He grabbed Felix and helped him get to the bathroom. He watched as the other threw up and rubbed his temples, feeling a headache forming. This was so much to deal with.  
\----  
  
Cry went to make breakfast while Felix shut himself in his room, mumbling some sort of excuse about cleaning it. Cry knew he wasn't going to do it, but he didn't tell Felix that. The Swede was on edge as it was. Pushing him off of it would just make things worse.

  
He made french toast and oatmeal, wanting Felix to get something good into his system. He cut up some bananas and put them in the oatmeal as well. Hopefully this would help.

  
Felix came down upon smelling the food, an interested look in his eyes. He had thrown on random clothes that didn't match, making Cry want to play the fashion police. He ended up refraining, just watching the man as he made his way to the table.

  
"Thanks, Cry," was all he said before eagerly digging in.

  
Just those two words made Cry beam like an idiot. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to do something with Felix, to bond. Videogames were out of the question... A movie didn't allow for much talking... "Do you want to play a game?" At the darkening look in Felix's eyes, he quickly added, "I'm sure you have Cards Against Humanity or something like that."

  
"Oh." Felix's mouth was full of food. "I guess." His simple response before he got back to tearing apart his breakfast. He was very quiet, tense even as he enjoyed the little meal. It was obvious that the stolen money was still on his mind.

  
Cry didn't mention it, though he knew he would have to. Felix didn't seem to want to do anything that involved his horrendous fall from YouTube. Bills seemed to be one of the many things on that list.

  
After Felix finished, he pushed back his plate and smiled. Actually smiled. Cry smiled back, feeling his giddiness rise. It seemed like the food had helped a lot.

  
Felix got up and left without another word. Cry watched him leave and simply turned back to his breakfast, wanting to finish it before following. As he ate he wondered what was going on in Felix's mind.

  
Felix had gone to the living room. He sat down as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, rubbing his eyes before pulling out his phone. 14 missed called and 5 voicemails. The number of texts on his phone was more than both of the former numbers combined. He had barely glanced at it ever since everything had gone downhill.

  
There was his crew, of course, being the most worried about him. There were a few missed calls from Jack, including one voicemail, and even a voicemail from Marzia. Ken, Minx, and plenty of others were also worried, emphasizing this through text. He didn't even want to turn on his data, not wishing to see his fans worrying about him.

  
He rubbed his eyes again before placing the phone on the table, sighing softly. The bills would be due in only a few days. It was nearly the end of the month. He was fucked. A large amount of his money had been kept in the safe, just so he could avoid exactly what had happened: theft. His house had the best alarm system, the best insurance in case of a robbery. None of that mattered when it had been his fault that he had let a criminal into his house.

  
He didn't even remember the sex. What the hell had that girl even been good for? She sure hadn't made him forget about Marzia and she had only caused his money issues to double.

  
When Cry walked into the room, Felix got up. He stumbled, only because his head was so heavy with everything that had been happening. He managed to make it to his best friend, where he wrapped his arms about him.

  
Cry looked up at Felix, surprised at the sudden embrace. Felix was leaning down and everything, his head resting against Cry's shoulder.

  
"Thank you," Felix whispered, and the emotion in just those two words made Cry squeeze Felix tighter. He was all choked up as he murmured, "Thank you for being here. I know I'm such a pain, Cry... I know. I'm just... so scared. I'm so scared."

  
"Felix... It's okay, it's okay. I'm happy to be here," Cry told him, sincerity pouring from his mouth.

  
"I'm such a fucking mess." And he laughed, not out of happiness or joy. "Why are you with me when I'm such a fucking mess? Why haven't you left?"

  
"Do you... want me to leave?" Cry's voice lowered to become as soft as the other's.

  
"NO!" Felix pushed him away, only to grip Cry's shoulders. He loomed over him, eyes pleading. "No. Don't leave. Don't leave me."

  
"Never," was all that slipped past Cry's lips as he met Felix's gaze.   
\----  
  
"Okay, okay. 'What gives me uncontrollable gas?' " It was Felix's turn to read the black card. The two were playing Cards Against Humanity and it had been a pretty funny game so far, even though it was only the two of them.

  
"A bag of magic beans," Cry smoothly replied with a grin as he placed his card on the table.

  
Felix laughed at that, shaking his head. "You're too reasonable. 'Dead parents'."

  
Cry raised his eyebrows, unable to stop the smile that played upon his lips. "What, did you EAT your parents?"

  
"As a matter of fact, I did." Felix stubbornly crossed his arms. "And they were delicious."

  
Cry couldn't help but laugh at that, punching his friend's shoulder. "Felix, jeez!"

  
"It doesn't even matter because you win, I wasted a perfectly good card!" Felix threw his hands up in desperation.

  
"Well, how about..." Cry looked at the next black card and glanced at Pewds, trying not to show his discomfort. " 'I drink to forget blank'."

  
Felix was silent for a minute before stating, "See, 'dead parents' would have been perfect."

  
Cry made himself laugh, slowly nodding. "Yeah," he said, trying not to let the simple card affect him.

  
Felix slid his card as close to the black card as he could. "Crippling debt."

  
The two stared at the card on the table. An uncomfortable silence fell over them, Felix continuing to stare at it while Cry looked down at his own cards.

  
"Felix?" Cry looked over at Felix, who tilted his head and asked, "What?"

  
"Just how bad is it?" Cry placed his cards facedown on the table.

  
"What are you talking about?" It was obvious that Felix knew what Cry was talking about.

  
"The... the debt. The fact that you got robbed," Cry murmured, now turning his gaze to Pewds.

  
Felix continued to stare at the cards on the table, seeming to be regretting his decision to put it down in the first place. He suddenly looked right at Cry and smiled. "Don't worry about it, Cry."

  
"But Pewds-"

  
"Don't worry about it! I'll handle it, alright? I'll handle it." He knew he had to sell the house, but he didn't want to tell Cry. Not now. He got up and ruffled Cry's hair, placing his remaining cards on the table. "In fact, I'll go and get things settled right now."

  
Cry looked quite surprised, not expecting Felix to be that much of an adult towards the whole situation. Even though deep down, he knew that Felix was just going to go and drink, and forget. "Just don't do anything you're going to regret."

  
Felix turned away from him without another word, and that was when Cry really knew. He could get up right now, he could stop Felix. He could save him from the alcohol. Yet he didn't move a muscle.

  
Standing there when Felix opened the door, was Jack. The two both looked startled, Jack more on the nervous side.

  
"Oh! Felix! I was just about ta knock," Jack said, rubbing the back of his head. "I... wasn't really sure if I should come over. I got done movin' in and I wanted to stop by. Signe told me it wasn't the best idea, but... Yeah. Here I am!"

  
"It's... nice to see you, Jack," Felix said, pulling the Irishman in for a hug. He seemed quite disoriented, alcohol on his brain. It didn't help that he caught sight of the gift in Jack's hands.

  
Jack saw where he was looking and grinned before presenting him the bottle of wine. There was a cute bow wrapped about the neck, most likely placed there by Signe. "I brought some red wine for ya. I was hopin' we could catch up a bit, I haven't heard from ya in a while."

  
"Well thank you Jack, that's a sweet gesture." Felix took the bottle, glad to have some type of alcohol in his life. At least he would get to drink. 


	8. [Red Wine Is Like Crimson Blood]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "His cellophane mask  
> Has filled up with smoke"  
> "Look through the holes in his eyes  
> And see his red righteous soul"  
> Glass Animals - Golden Antlers

Two men sat in the living room now, Cards Against Humanity still set up on the table. Jack smiled when he saw it, making a little gesture as he spoke, "Are ya playin' with Cry? I saw his post about him comin' to Britain."

  
Felix wasn't listening. He stared at the bottle which now sat on the table, placed right on top of the 'crippling debt' card. How he wished he could drink his worries away.

  
He wished, despite himself, that Jack wasn't here. He hated Jack for being here. Jack was all that stood between him and his wishes.

  
"Hello? Earth to Felix?" Jack waved his hand in front of Felix's face, causing the Swede to shake himself out of his thoughts.

  
It was difficult. It was so difficult to abandon those dark, heavy thoughts when alcohol had been doing that job for him. Felix placed his head in his heads after apologizing to Jack. The lack of liquor was going to his head, he knew. He didn't feel right. He felt sick. He wasn't himself without a gentle venom running through his bloodstream.

  
"It's okay, Felix. Let's talk, though, how 'bout it? I tried calling you, but you didn't respond. I..." Jack let out a weary sigh, giving his friend a worried look. He got up from his side of the couch to sit right next to Felix, wrapping an arm about his shoulders. "I was worried, man. I came here ta check up on you, and that's the truth."

  
Felix shrugged Jack's arm off of him. He didn't want Jack to worry about him. He could worry about himself. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine. It's my problem, alright Jack? You don't need to worry for my sake."

  
Jack frowned at that. He shook his head furiously, strands of dull green hair falling into his kind blue eyes. "You're wrong, I do need to worry! You're my _friend_ , Felix. We've known each other for how long now? C'mon... You know you can talk to me."

  
With a little more convincing, Felix was ready to talk. He knew that Jack deserved to know what was going on. Though most of it was personal, the thing that had set everything off was his ban from YouTube. That had affected so many people. It almost brought tears to his eyes.

  
He mostly stared at the bottle of alcohol as he spoke. All he was seeing it as now was alcohol, a medicine to ease his worries. It didn't matter if it was wine or whatever else. He didn't care. All he cared about was suppressing the memories, the thoughts. They were just so dark.

  
The thought of suicide popped up often. It was such a terrible thought, an act that would solve nothing. And what of his friends, his crew? He could imagine his funeral when he wasn't drunk. He saw it in clear detail. He wondered how the media would make him out to be a bad guy in that situation. They would find some way.

  
He was troubled. Deeply so, it was obvious. His dream job had been lost. His dream girl couldn't take him anymore. Maybe she was just calling to say that Edgar was doing well in Italy or something, when she left that one little voicemail. Like one voicemail could make everything better.

  
He was losing his dream house. It was falling out of his grip like sand through spread fingers. It would be gone soon. He would have to sell it, to pay off his debts. They had been climbing. Of course they had.

  
It didn't matter how many millions he made. Not when he was drinking it away, not when he had spent so much of it on the house he currently had to sell, not when his crew needed to be paid, not when he had been robbed. Not when YouTube wasn't paying him anymore.

  
While he spoke to Jack, all these thoughts ran through his head. All this and more, disturbing content he just wanted to drown. He cut a lot out of his story, not wanting Jack to know the private information. He spoke of why he had been banned from YouTube. How he had been... struggling, which he added in briefly to inform Jack of his absence on social media. He mentioned Cry rarely. He didn't tell Jack that he had been robbed, still seeing himself as an idiot regarding that subject.

  
Jack sat back, quite surprised. The two were bathed in silence for a minute as the Irishman tried to wrap his head around it. "I... Wow. I made a video supporting your return to YouTube," he began, rubbing his eyes.

  
"You did? I haven't been on YouTube ever since that horrible day," Felix admitted with another glance towards the alcohol.

  
"A lot of us did, Felix. We all really care about ya," Jack softly said. "It sounds like it's been tough, but we're here for ya. Please remember that. I could always come around more often, if you want?"

  
"Ah, thanks Jack," Felix replied. He was really trying not to show how much he despised the idea. That would just mean less time at the bar, if he wanted to hide his vigorous drinking. It wasn't like he had a problem, no. That wasn't it, but Jack would see it as a problem.

  
He had stared at the bottle until he finally got up, grabbing it by its nicely-wrapped neck. He clung onto it tightly, the urge to go to the pub strong within him. His fingers trembled, digging into the fancy paper. "Want me to open this up?"

  
Jack raised an eyebrow at him. He shrugged. "Do what ya want with it. 'S yours."

  
The Swede was out of the room before the Irishman could speak another word, rushing to the kitchen. He struggled with opening it up, tugging on the cork with his teeth first. It wasn't going to open that way, but his blind panic wasn't reasoning with him.

  
Felix stared down at the bottle, trying to remember self-control. If he just poured a glass for Jack and then one for himself, it would be fine. He gulped, his throat suddenly dry. He gulped again, but it remained dry as a desert.

  
He needed some. It was all he could see. His hand was gripping it so tightly. Scared to let go.

  
He stood over the kitchen sink like that, a nearly deranged look within his eyes. He was breathing so hard, so hard that he wasn't getting enough air. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered.

  
He banged the cork against the edge of the kitchen counter. He was hyperventilating and when he could he was biting his lip so hard it hurt, too panicked to think of anything but the alcohol. Because, if he didn't think of the alcohol, other thoughts would intrude. He switched to pulling at the stopper, face growing red with the effort.

  
" _Why_ , Felix?" The voice was quiet and soft, as velvety as the wine.

  
Felix turned to see Cry, standing behind him. His fingers paused on the cork, red at the tips where the Band-Aids weren't covering them. He must have looked like a complete mess.

  
Cry had crept down the stairs for a snack. He made plans with Minx to record a game today, but had to get something in his belly first. Instead, he had come down to see Felix doing this. As if he couldn't even control himself. It was getting out of hand. It made him feel so horrible. He didn't want Felix's life to only be composed of alcohol.

  
"Oh... I'm sorry you had to see that, Cry." Felix's cheeks were flushed with embarrassment. His fingers twitched upon the cork.

  
"I just... don't understand. I don't understand anymore." Cry came closer, his eyes accusingly glaring at the wine. "Why are you doing this to yourself? You're going to kill yourself at this rate!"

  
"So what if I do? It's not like it would matter," Felix spat, keeping his voice hushed so that Jack didn't hear their confrontation. His own thoughts were getting to him yet again.

  
Cry's eyes widened, hurting pooling into those baby blues. "S-Seriously? Felix, you don't actually think that. Right?" His voice broke partway, one hand coming up to cover his mouth.

  
"I've just been going through a lot, Cry. Please just let me have this. This is all I have left." Felix looked into Cry's eyes, the two standing in silence for a moment. He began to tug at the cork again, strain showing throughout his frame.

  
"Quit. Please." Cry slowly pulled his hand away from his face, standing straighter to show how serious he was. "Quit. You got hurt because you drank. You got robbed because you drank. Just what is going to happen next? Think about it..."

  
"Don't do this to me, Cry. Not when Jack's here." Felix looked nervous. The thought of quitting made all those terrible thoughts swirl around in a flurry.

  
"Please quit. Please, please, please. I'll help you, I swear. I swear I will!" Cry reached up to tug at Felix's shirt. The two met eyes only for a moment before Cry grabbed hold of the bottle.

  
Anger caused Felix's eyebrow to furrow as he held tight to his only hope. He was gripping the end of the bottle, both hands wrapped about it. Cry only had the neck, its fancy bow slippery upon his fingers. He was strangling the bottle. He hated it.

  
So, so much. It was just hurting his friend, but Felix didn't see it. Felix refused to see that and it just made him hurt.

  
"Let go," Cry hissed, finally showing some form of anger towards Felix. He couldn't keep his mouth shut about this anymore. Not after the things that had been happening ever since he had arrived. He could barely deal with this for days, much less weeks or months. "I'm here to help you, not to watch you do this to yourself."

  
"Fuck you," Felix hissed back, tugging on the alcohol as hard as he could. He could almost taste it upon his tongue. He could almost feel the burning sensation within him. He could sense those dark thoughts escaping the flood of alcohol. He managed to rip it out of Cry's grip, a smug expression enveloping his face.

  
Cry tried gulping it down, but he just felt so bitter. "You're an asshole. How can you do this to yourself? How!?" His voice was picking up volume, which caused Felix to develop more panic.

  
"Do not drag Jack into this, you hear me? Do _not_ , Cry," Felix warned, tapping the edge of the bottle against the counter again. When that didn't work, he gripped the cork between his teeth again.

  
Enough was enough. Cry was so sick of it. He was done with Felix's attitude. It only seemed to get this bad when alcohol was involved. "Why do you do this!?" And when Felix lifted his lips to answer, Cry charged at him.

  
He was so much smaller than the other male, but it didn't mean he wasn't strong. Although he couldn't properly fight, he wanted to stop Felix this time.

  
It went in slow motion, for Felix at least. He was definitely taken aback when Cry ran at him, full speed ahead, anger clouding those pretty little eyes. Cry shoved Felix, as hard as he could, which made him stumble backwards. The cork was held in between his teeth. The wine tipped towards Felix with the impact, first spilling some onto him.

  
Cry was, naturally, knocked down. All he could ever hope to do was move Felix back a bit and nothing else, but it had worked. The bottle tipped towards him, Felix losing the grip. His bandaged fingers reached towards it and he was screaming so loudly. The red got all over Cry. All over his shirt, landing hard on his legs and spilling out all over. Everywhere. All the startled Cry could see was the red liquid, staining almost every part of him.

  
Felix was frozen in shock. Frozen, just for a bit, until the rage came back. It grew and grew, his thoughts leading him on until he knew what his starved mind wanted to do.

  
He hopped onto Cry, right onto his stomach, and he held the smaller male down. Now it was Cry's turn to scream. It was his turn to scream as Felix punched him, his fist knowing what it was doing. This was sober Felix.

  
The second punch knocked out Cry. He knew who had won the fight back when drunk Felix had come home injured.

  
Felix hated that he needed a drink at that moment.


	9. [Don't Touch Me]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "My, my simple sir, this ain't gonna work  
> Mind my wicked words and tipsy topsy slurs"  
> "I can't take this place, no I can't take this place  
> I just wanna go where I can get some space"  
> Glass Animals- Gooey

Beep, beep, beep.

  
_Ugh..._

  
Beep, beep, beep.

  
_That alarm is so annoying._

  
Cry mumbled softly and reached for the alarm on his nightstand... only for his hand to fall through thin air. He opened an eye halfway to look over, freezing when he saw the unfamiliar room sprawled out before him.

  
"Wh-Where...?" His lips were dry, severely chapped, his voice hoarse. He sat up on the hard, unfamiliar bed, pushing down a thin, unfamiliar sheet. He looked down and saw him. Such a random sight. Such an unwelcome sight.

  
Felix was sitting in a chair at his bed, his upper body resting on the sheet. He had curled his arms and was resting his head atop them. His face was peaceful. His face wasn't bruised.

  
Cry reached up with a shaky hand. He didn't want it to be true. It couldn't be true, but it was. His eye had been covered with a bandage. He wondered what it looked like beneath all those wrappings. It must have been so ugly, so horrible. He closed his good eye, sensing how much those held-back tears burned.

  
He touched his right temple and winced. A horrid headache was washing over him, causing him to slump back onto the bed. He was beginning to breathe harder. His memories were fuzzy, but they were there, taunting him, making him remember. He was completely awake now, aware of his surroundings.

  
Everything was white. Such a pure, ugly white. He imagined it coated with red and gripped his thin sheet. The heart monitor was increasing as his heart thundered in his chest. It was still a steady beeping, but it wasn't helping. It was just making him more nervous.

  
The room spun for a moment. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be anywhere but here, stuck in a room with his attacker. With his longtime friend, his longtime love interest. How could Felix do this? How could Felix hurt him? Oh my god, how could Felix stick him in a hospital room?

  
When Cry couldn't take it anymore, he hopped out of bed. He pulled all those stupid wires off of him. His head hurt so badly. He nearly fell to the floor but caught himself, blinking rapidly with his good eye. Tears hit the cold white sheet. He was in so much pain. His eye was hurting, his head was pounding. But he had to get out. He couldn't stay here, not here.

  
A nurse rushed in. Her eyes wildly scanned the room, coming to a relaxed stop when they settled on him. She came to him and reached out. "Sir? Sir!" And she said his name, his real name, the name he didn't want to hear. Not right now, not in this situation.

  
He held out a hand, stopping her, and he backed away. Another dizzy spell hit him. The bruise at his temple had felt so ugly when he had first touched it. " _Don't touch me!_ " He was screeching. He didn't mean to but he was screeching at her and it was so loud and Felix woke up. "I need to leave! I need to go home! I c-can't stay here! You don't understand!"

  
The nurse was doing her best to calm him down when Felix picked up his weary head, questioning eyes resting on Cry. That bastard. He had to have known about this. That fucking bastard.

  
Cry hated him. He hated Felix for forgetting and he hated Jack for bringing over the wine and he hated this fucking random nurse for trying to make him do something he didn't want to.

  
Others came into the room. Of course they would. They helped the nurse drag a struggling, screaming Cry back into bed. He felt like a crazy person. Felix just stood there, averting his gaze. As if he was embarrassed.

  
Cry managed to calm down enough to lay there, though he still wasn't breathing right and he was gripping his sheet until his knuckles turned white. Nurses checked him over and the doctor in the room turned to Felix when he spoke.

  
"Agoraphobia." His voice was soft. He said it gently, like it was just a simple gesture. The stupid idiot remembered.

  
"Sir, I'm sorry," the nurse who had first come in spoke. She had heard Felix. She told Cry a breathing technique so he wouldn't have a panic attack, soothing the man through it. Cry listened, only because he didn't want to go through hell when he had already been there. It was the same breathing technique he had used on the plane, blindly stumbling to the bathroom, telling himself that he would soon be with Felix and that everything would be okay.

  
That everything would be okay.

  
He wiped his tears, asked when he could leave, pleaded to leave.

  
The doctor insisted that Cry receive a checkup, to make sure that everything was fine before he left. He tested for a concussion and made sure that new bandages were put over the eye, doing a few more things before he seemed content.

  
Cry was restless the entire time. He did his best to avoid the gaze of everyone in the room, knowing it would set him off big-time.

  
"Alright. You'll be fine. I've prescribed some medication that you'll need for your recovery. They weren't bad enough to form a concussion at least. Go to the pharmacy as soon as possible. Here are your discharge papers." The doctor glanced at Cry, raising his eyebrow. "Be more careful on the stairs next time." Cry's real name was said again before the doctor gave Cry some papers and left with the nurses.

  
Cry sat there, stunned. He turned his head to look at Felix with his good eye. "Felix..." A tear streaked down his cheek. "Did you lie to them?"

  
Felix stood where he was, wrapping his arms about himself. He looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, Cry. I'm truly, sincerely sorry. I never meant to... do that to you." He picked up one of his hands to gesture at the injuries. "I was dumb. And you were right." He finally raised his head, staring right at Cry. "I've thought about it for hours. I'm going to quit. Just for you, Cry."

  
Cry's heart soared just as much as it hurt, like a bird with only a mildly broken wing. "It's... too late." He looked away, biting his lip. "I want to go back to America."

  
"What? No! You... You promised you wouldn't leave me." Felix came over to the bedside, causing Cry to flinch. That brought a hurt look to his eye, the Swede's expression falling.

  
Cry hated it. He hated it so much. He wanted nothing more than to make Felix happy, but they were both hurting badly now. Except that Felix was injured beyond belief. His soul wasn't like the old Felix's soul. The urge to fix it, to fix him, tugged at his heartstrings.

  
"Please give me another chance, Cry! I've been a bad host... I see that now. I see that. Please. Let me show you that I can be good. You know I've been struggling. You're the only one who knows. I didn't even tell Jack." The old Pewds stood in front of him now, holding out the broken pieces of himself. "You're my best friend, Cry."

  
Those last words caused Cry to shatter. He nodded then, slowly, still not sure about this whole ordeal. The fact that Felix had lied continued to sting, but they could deal with that. He didn't want Felix to go to jail as much as Felix himself didn't want that. "I want to help you, Felix. I'll give you another chance, but just one more chance, and that's it. Don't hurt me again."

  
"Thank you, Cry!" Felix reached out to hug Cry, but Cry held out a hand to stop him.

  
"Don't touch me."  
\----  
  
Coming back home was such a relief. Only then could Cry breathe properly. He felt safe to be back. He went upstairs to his designated room, wanting to record with Minx. Naturally, she was a ball of worry when he loaded up Skype and called her. "Cry? Boooy, why didn't you Skype me yesterday!? I thought we were gonna play this game then!"

  
He couldn't believe himself when he told her, "I fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital." He just wanted to keep Felix safe. It wasn't really Felix's fault anyway. It was the alcohol, the fact that Felix needed help. And now, Felix was going to quit. Felix was going to show that he could change. Felix would be okay.

  
Everything would be okay.

  
"Shit! Are you okay now? Spill everything."

  
So Cry weaved an elaborate lie as he sat there with his head throbbing and his eye all wrapped up. He told her lies for fear of the truth. He didn't want the truth to be reality. It wasn't going to be reality. It was going to heal and then Felix and him would be happy.

  
They finally got to playing the game. Minx seemed to take the lie with open arms, not questioning one of her good friends at all. That was good for Cry, but it also felt like a betrayal of trust. That weighed him down. He was really silent, so much so that Minx was actually starting to force herself to try and be funny.

  
When she got sick of it, she let out a long sigh. Her character stopped moving. Silence uncomfortably surrounded the two for a minute or so. It felt like years to Cry. "Look... If you don't like the game, you could just say so. We've talked about this before."

  
"Right, I know. I'm sorry, Minx... I'm just tired and I have a headache." Another lie spat out to cover the burden of the original, yet that only made the weight above his shoulders increase.

  
"Okay, well, let's try again tomorrow." The disappointment in her voice was light, since she seemed to understand Cry's situation.

  
At least it wasn't all made-up. Cry's head was throbbing, although the prescription painkillers he picked up from the pharmacy were at least helping his head. Felix had hit hard. Cry briefly wondered how the guy who had been in a fight with Felix was doing, but shook that thought away. It wasn't good to think like that.

  
He had to keep his chin up and his mind positive. If not for himself then for Felix. Cry knew that it was going to be a struggle for Felix to quit.

  
Cry quit the Skype call and leaned back, feeling very tired all of a sudden. He noticed Felix standing at the door when he turned in his chair, pushing his headphones to rest around his neck and slightly raising an eyebrow.

  
"Hey." Felix's voice was soft, tentative. It was pretty much obvious that the Swede had been standing in the doorway for at least a little while. He shuffled his feet and shifted the plate in his hands nervously. An awkward moment passed between them before he stepped forward, plate much closer to Cry than his body was. "I made you a sandwich. I figured you'd get hungry during recording."

  
"Oh. Thank you." Cry didn't move so Felix shuffled closer. Cry accepted the plate with a polite smile. It disappeared right after he turned to place the plate on his desk.

  
"Do you like the room?" It was such a simple question to come from Felix's mouth. It wasn't passive-aggressive, drowned in sadness or anger. It was just a question that held no double meaning.

  
"Yeah." Cry glanced away when another uncomfortable silence passed between them. "I thought it would be okay to move my stuff in here." Silence. "The desk wasn't being used." Silence.

  
Felix nodded his head and began to look anywhere but at Cry. As he had done in the hospital. "Right. Well, I'm glad you like it." He gave Cry an unsure smile before walking out of the room, leaving Cry wrapped in silence once more.

  
Except this time only he was trapped within the silence. He and his sandwich.

  
It was his favorite. Something small, but something that resonated within him. He could feel his heart nearly bursting with hope.

  
He was just glad that, this time, Felix had not left him alone for a drink.


End file.
